I have noticed a reoccurring theme during the past two months of my life. I have diagnosed myself with what I call “observation syndrome”, and I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing. However, before I begin, I just want to give a quick thank you to those of you who have been reading my blog posts and commenting, emailing or messaging me on social media regarding my posts. All of the compliments have made me feel as though I’m making a small difference in some lives, and that is ultimately what I set out to accomplish with this blog, so thank you. I also want to mention as a collective response to all of those who have recently reached out to me about their feelings that writing is fantastically therapeutic, and if you ever find yourself feeling frustrated, anxious or overwhelmed, I suggest writing about it because it truly works.
Anyway, this “observation syndrome” as I call it, has shed light on various aspects of my life recently. I find the most paramount of those aspects to be my new found depiction of others. Being a yoga enthusiast, an avid practitioner, and a certified yoga teacher, I do my best to cease the formation of judgement within my mind. I let people be as they are, even if I disagree with them. Moreover, I am kind to everyone, even to those who truly may not deserve it.
However, more recently I’ve been finding it difficult to understand certain people, and accept their shortcomings, especially when their traits are divergent to my own. Of course, now that I think about it, their shortcomings are completely reliant on my judgement, and are therefore subjective, but I digress. I have developed animosity towards these individuals and felt as though they no longer fit into my life. This isn’t an “ah-ha” feeling, or a sentiment I am fond of realizing. Instead, I feel deeply disappointed and almost heart broken that individuals who I once had ultimate veneration for are now depicted as having undesirable traits. These individuals are falsifying, unindustrious, conniving, uneducated, tawdry, surly humans who talk a good game to your face, but try to make your boss fire you behind your back. Unfortunately, I am referring to certain individuals who I have worked with for years on and off in a place I have grow up. It isn’t all of them, but I must say out of the nearly 30 individuals I had once looked up to, there are five that I still consider to be friends.
I’ve never felt like this way about anyone. I have always offered a helping hand to these people, and have always been nothing but kind and giving. I was more than willing to discuss anything with them, and I was honored when they initially allowed me to be a part of their group. However, I now feel resentment and hatred lurking through the establishment each time I set foot in it. I can feel the congestion of the shit talking happening behind my back, suffocating me as I smile at all of them. The worst part is, they smile back as if nothing were wrong.
Moving on to a completely contrasting aspect of my life, I have recently began an internship at The Albert Einstein Institute down in the Bronx, NY doing what I love; science. I was nervous on my first day, but I was welcomed with open arms, pure judgment-free kindness and love. These newfangled people in my life are ultimately amazing. They are kind, helpful, and above all brilliant. I have never been in the presence of such kindness and veneration. It is these individuals that I can accredit for the recent vicissitude in my personality and perception of others.
I have found people that truly appreciate my personality, and make me feel good about myself. They teach me new things everyday, not just about science, but about life, jobs, relationships, connections, opportunities, and so on. I am so thankful for this summer because it taught me about the real world. Needless to say, the small-town eating establishment that I began working in as a teenager is not my real world. While I always had aspirations, and never for a second deemed I would work there for life, I never looked down upon those who made a career out of working there. I still don’t, and I never will. However, I know now that there are people out there who won’t put me down or make me feel uncomfortable for being me, and for being able to do more than talk about drugs, or nice cars. I found people who don’t judge me because I try to radiate kindness, and I like to talk about nutrition, and intraventricular hemorrhage, and Aristotle.
Speaking of Aristotle, he once said: It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. Needless to say, I worked with individuals for a very long time that were unable to keep from accepting their thoughts. Now, I too no longer need to accept the thought of needing to be in a place for financial purposes where I know I no longer belong. I refuse to continually feel bad about the person I am due to their actions and words, I refuse to feel stuck, I refuse to feel frustrated or angry, and my personality will no longer be sullied by individuals who cannot fathom kindness, growth or education. I put in my two weeks, and so, I must say bye-bye to those who no longer serve me, and hello to the real world.